Tortured

I have had several blogs already but I kept on disabling or deleting them. I decided to settle in Tumblr. I have several followers already. People who just wants to take a glimpse of what’s happening in my life. Some are friends, most I have never met in my life. I am having so much pain this past few months.. And I wanted to write about it. Naisip ko, sa Tumblr? E ang dami ng tao na nakakaalam nun. I don’t want na pag pyestahan ang story ko.. So here I am, back in WordPress.

I feel so tortured now. Sobrang lungkot. Sobrang empty ng feeling. I lost my job last June and it has been a struggle for me eversince. Financially, kulang na kulang. Even though my husband still has a job, iba pa din. I was so down during those times. Ang hirap maghanap ng ibang work. Apply lang ng apply. Pero mahirap talaga. Then came August.. My husband lost his job too..

Now, I got a job already. Pero sya, wala pa din. Ang hirap kasi nakikita ko na yung lalaking kinukuhanan ko ng lakas ay nanghihina na din. He was so down. I can feel his hurting. I had to be strong for him.. Pero, hirap na din ako. Siguro hindi kami sanay sa tipid na buhay.. Parang parusa sa amin ito.. Ngayon, we haven’t paid our monthly dues in our apartment. Financially, wala talaga.. Ang hirap. Everyday I am crying. I feel so tired, so sad, so emtpy.. So we decided na he go back to Manila para doon maghanap ng job.

It’s been 3days now that he’s in Manila and I am here. Alone. Ang hirap mag-isa. I can’t help myself on thinking na iniwan ako ng asawa ko sa gitna ng problema. But I didn’t have a choice. We have to make a sacrifice. And that sacrifice is to be apart from each other for some time. To catch up on our financial needs is the main reason. Mababaon kami sa utang if hindi namin gagawin ito..

Everytime I’m home after office hours, the house is empty. All lights are off. When I turned on the lights, I am hoping that I will see my husband waiting for me. Pero wala. 3days na. Ang hirap-hirap. Ang hirap mag-isa lalo na ganitong situation. Feeling ko hindi ko kakayanin kapag nagtagal pa ito.. I don’t want to tell this to my husband, how I’m feeling and thinking, so he won’t bother worrying about me so he can concentrate on his job hunting..

Pero keeping all these to myself makes this even painful. Kaya feeling ko sasabog na ako. Hindi ko na kaya.. Sana malampasan namin ito. I know and I am hopeful that we can..

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