Never Again

Finally, na-share ko na din ito sa isang friend. Y is one of the most positive person I ever met. Well, this post is not about her, by the way. Haha!

1st time ko na mag blog ng feelings ko about a certain person who I called a friend and treated as my sister. I would say na, na hurt ako. A few weeks ago, we were really okay. Happy sa workplace, having dinner together whenever we need a breather from the stressful deliverables to office, coffee together until dawn.. Ganyan ang life nmen. We were actually four. T, Y, me and her. Some people would think that we are the elite group in our office because we always have money to eat out, coffee everyday, etc. Pero di alam ng ibang ng tao na we’re just ordinary people who finds comfort in each other because we can understand each other. I think, that’s the most important in a friendship, right? Understanding. I really don’t know. But for me, if a person understands me, then we can be together as friends. And these 3 creatures (hihihi), I love them. I can be myself when I’m with them.. Everyday is a learning process to us on getting to know more about each other..

Anyway, few weeks ago nga, all of a sudden, she distanced herself to me. Not sure if sa akin lang or also with the others. I didn’t mind at 1st. I was thinking na baka she’s going through something or baka wala lang sa mood. So deadma. I know how to respect people. Specially my friends. If I think, they want their own space, I give it to them. Kasi ganyan din ako. Sometimes, I just wanna be alone and quiet.. After a few days, ganun pa din sya. And since we are 4 sa group, hindi masyado halata na we’re not talking to each other. We eat together, deadma. Smile lang. Parang hanging lang, ganun. We even sat beside each other during dinner, pero she was cold to me. And this time, I can really feel it.
I am the kind of person who will say what I wanna say and what I feel. But when it comes to my friends, mahina ang loob ko. Because I treasure them so much.
Maybe because I am an only child and people who I think can understand me are precious people. I didn’t ask her. I was thinking na baka I said something wrong to her. or, I did something that made her mad. I kept on thinking, what did I do?? I blamed myself for a while.. because of my tactless mouth, I don’t know.. Since I really don’t know what happened, I tried approaching her. Talking to her as if walang issue. Sa chatroom, dedma. I talked to her like the others. And she’s responding din na para talagang wala lang..

Several days na ganyan. I got tired.. I got tired of thinking if I did her wrong.. So, I stopped. I know the effort that I gave to try to know what’s wrong, is not enough.. But what can I do, I have my pride din naman.. Iba na feeling ko that time. Feeling ko, ako na naghahabol sa kanya. Para lang kausapin nya ako and mabalik sa dati ang friendship. Kinakalimutan ko ang pride ko pagdating sa mga friends ko pero may hangganan.. It was Y ’s birthday, when I decided to stop. She told me that there will be a surprise bday greetings for Y. I purposely did not respond to her. Kasi nasa state na ako ng nagsawa na din ako kakasuyo sa knya kumbaga..

Though it was a very busy day for me before going to a vacation. I can say, I still have time to join the beer session for Y’s bday. But I chose not to join na lang.. If Y can read this, I’m so sorry.. Kasi, if I joined you guys there, I’m on the edge of blurting it out that time. Kilala ko sarili ko. I know when ako sasabog. So, I just stayed sa office until dawn then went home just to pack my things.. I was on vacation for a week in Manila. We never talked. We never tweet each other. For the sake of T and Y not noticing what’s happening, I will include her in my tweets.

It was only the other night that I was able to talk about this. Honestly, I’m hurt. Ngayon ko lang talaga na confirm na shet, nasaktan ako. Now, everything’s back to normal na parang walang nangyari. Pero, I cannot just go back. I’m the kind of person na kapag nasaktan, matagal bago ako bumalik. Worst, minsan hindi na bumabalik.. Ngayon, she’s talking to me like nothing happened. Ano ako, bata?? Hindi mo ako kinakausap noon kasi bad mood ka or may problema ka? I can understand. She could’ve talked to me na, she just wanna be alone muna or whatever.. Now that’s she’s okay na, parang walang nangyari? Wow! Good mood ka na kaya pwede na tayo mag-usap? Hmmm..

Sorry. Ang arte ko, but honestly, na hurt ako. Not just me, but my pride. But what can I do, malambot ang puso ko sa mga kaibigan ko. So, I will understand.

But the friendship will never be the same again.

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