During The Storm

I’ve been in and out of the hospital since the past few weeks. I guess, this is one of those down times I ever have in my life.

A few weeks ago, I felt pain in my left breast. It was only I realized that the small, tiny lump I felt in it months ago is already almost half the size of a bottle cap. My monthly period also triggered the pain. The pain was awful. Felt like something’s pinching my breast with a needle. I was so scared. It came to the point that I can’t sleep anymore thinking about it. Every morning I go to church to pray. Asking to help me stop the pain and the remove the fear in my heart.. Then one day, I decided to go to a doctor. I asked my mom and she accompanied me. Very tiring experience. But I can say, me and my mom enjoyed the days we gone back and forth to the hospital, chasing doctors and specialists because we got to bond and spend more time together. My mom is a jolly person and that’s what made me comfortable in the hospital waiting several hours without the fear in mind.

The surgeon examined my breasts. Yes, there’s a lump in my left breast. She recommended breast ultrasound. I had myself scheduled for it the next day. Waiting for several hours to be called, then the feeling of cold jelly-like fluid being spread out in breasts, watching the small TV monitor and finally seeing the lump was priceless. It is the same when a woman is undergoing an ultrasound in her tummy to see her baby. The only difference is, while I’m on it, I was praying that the lump would just disappear. We waited for 2hrs for the results. When we got the results, we just headed home and planned to go back to my doctor to show it to her the next day.

October 20, 2011 is I think, the most shocking, most hurtful day for me. The doctor saw my ultrasound results… She got quiet for like five seconds. Then she looked at me. She locked her eyes on me and stared at me for another five seconds. I don’t know, but it was the scariest moment for me. She then took a deep breath and started explaining things to me. A bit of that, a bit of it… Possibly this and that and many other things which made my world stopped for a while… My mom was sitting beside me, quietly, crying. I knew I was not crying but suddenly I felt my face getting wet with tears. I was quietly crying. I wanted to ask the doctor and say something, but there were no words or sounds coming from my mouth. I was just crying. The next thing I knew is I’m asking “Why me?”

The doctor continued explaining things to me. Explaining my options. But I was not responding. But I already stopped crying. She made me choose which option I want. My mom finally got her composure and started discussing with the doctor. They came to the decision that I will be undergoing a surgery. Then the schedule. The next thing I know, I was shaking hands with the doctor and my mom held my hand going out of the doctor’s office.

On Monday, I will undergo a surgery. It will be the verdict day. I’m so scared but I have no choice. I got to be ready for this and hopefully continue with my life.

With this, I am just praying and hoping for the best. Entrusting my destiny to God…

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