On this day, at 08:58 PM, exactly one year ago my life changed forever. As I write this I will try my hardest not to cry at the thought of how fast this life moves and how so very much I wish I could turn back the clock so that I am able to relive it all over again.
Forever etched in my heart and soul are those first hours with you. Your daddy and me couldn’t hold you close enough or stare at you long enough. I had been up for 26 hours waiting for your arrival and after it was all over and I heard your first cries, I didn’t want to blink in fear of missing even just a fraction of a moment.
As you laid in your little bed, your sweet little eyes just moved back and forth taking in all that had just happened, your perfect little mouth would open and close as if you could taste life and you just wanted more of it. When you would let out your little cries at the confusion of what you had just been through, all it would take was the sound of our voices to bring you back to a place of familiarity and peace and 365 days later you still listen for the sound of our voices whenever you need some reassurance.
Your daddy and me would stare at you, then stare at each other and no words need be spoken, for we knew life would never be the same and any joy we felt or sense of accomplishment we had would always and forever pale in comparison to the miracle you, in an instant, became and always will be to us.
For the last year, there have been the subtle reminders that this part of the journey is over; whether it was leaving the hospital, post pregnancy doctor visits, even my hair falling out only to be followed by all these baby hairs growing back (if I ever wondered what my hair would look like if I stuck my finger in a light socket, I need not wonder any longer). I’ll never forget the first time I left the house without you, a simple trip to the grocery store and you weren’t in my tummy anymore or how part of me didn’t want to leave the hospital because it felt like if I stayed there you would some how stay just as you were.
People say that you forget those moments, you forget what it was like to be in that hospital room, those days after as we all reflect on what just happened and some how try to make sense of it all and the weeks after as we get to know one another and become a family. I can promise you this my little one, I remember every second, every emotion, every fear and every joy. They are things that have become a part of me. They sustain me in times like these when life is happening way too fast for my heart and soul to process. My sweet boy, you have taught me more in the last year than I could have ever imagined I would learn in a life time.
You my son, not only saved my life but gave me back the life and the person that I buried away for so many years. Before you, I was afraid to dream even the most craziest of dreams, I was afraid to risk all that was “stable” at even the slightest chance of making those dreams come true and I was afraid to love and be loved the way every human soul longs to be loved.
You have taught me to throw caution to the wind because after all life IS.AN.ADVENTURE and it is meant to be lived. Each day you grab a hold of life and this world in a way that every living soul should embrace it, with pure unadulterated joy and wonderment. From the moment we locked eyes, oh those beautiful eyes, I knew you were destined for greatness. You see and have always seen life not at a noun but as a verb.
When you could only lie, you looked up to the heavens and gazed in awe at all that was before you. When you could sit, this new perspective brought you a whole 360 degree view of newness and adventure and you soaked it all in. As you were learning to crawl, you would scream in frustration because you so badly wanted to know what was around the corner, I could see your brain ready to explode with curiosity, yet your little body just wasn’t ready. You aren’t walking yet and selfishly I hope that stays for just a little while longer, your mommy is not ready for that kind of independence.
My oh my though, CAN YOU EVER CRAWL now! Yesterday was particularly hard, I realized with every step it was your “last” day in “months” and today begins your journey in “years”. It was your last nap, meal, bath, bedtime story as an “[enter number here] month old” and within a few short hours it would be “[enter number here] year old.” Somehow the turning of this one day meant you were no longer a baby and I am NOT READY for you to grow up.
I pleaded with God to stop the clock, to turn back time, to JUST DO SOMETHING. As we woke up this morning and saw you standing in your crib waiting for mommy and daddy to come get you, I looked around your decorated room (a tradition you will always know) and I was gently reminded of all that you teach me each day: that after all LIFE.IS.AN.ADVENTURE every year, every month, every day, every hour, every second. Who says we are not allowed to experience months from this point forward, anyway?
There is no such thing and “no more firsts” and it is my mission to live this way with you. My absolute soul quenching resolve is to LIVE LIFE with you, to see the world through your eyes, to some how ensure you never lose that sense of wonder in even the smallest things.
I promise to love you unconditionally, support your dreams no matter how big or small, embarrass you with kisses and hugs and probably a questionable outfit and dance move or two. I will take every ounce of what I have to make sure you grow knowing who you are, the gifts God gave you and having complete confidence in them knowing He will do AMAZING things in and with you.
You, my little lover of life are stubborn, sensitive and passionate like your mommy, thoughtful and wise like your daddy and an inspiration to us both. You touch the core of our very being, you light up my soul and you have truly shown me the meaning of life.
To be present in EVERY moment and not just present but give myself permission to FEEL them too. To put the phone down and lift my eyes up. To live in authenticity with the gifts I have been given to make this world a better place for you and with you. To stand up for what I believe in, who I believe in and never down play a day dream. To always do the things that make my heart sing and fill my soul and encourages everyone around me to do the same, without reservation or hesitation.
As I saw your sweet face light up this morning, as it always does when you see your mama, I once again discovered that yesterday wasn’t the end of one journey and the start of another; it was a page in the same journey and the same adventure in the same story and I once again felt the way I did in that moment the doctor laid you on my chest for the very first time. You, will ALWAYS be my baby, my miracle, love of my soul and inspiration to be and do things that are so much bigger than I could have ever imagined. While mommy isn’t quite ready for you to grow up just yet, I am so excited and so very grateful beyond measure that I get to spend every day with you growing up along side of you, because after all, LIFE.IS.AN.ADVENTURE.
You have gone about each day knowing not how you’ve grown.
Everything an adventure as you experience the unknown.
You are MY super hero my inspiration and definition of love.
You will ALWAYS be my little miracle sent from heaven above.
Please don’t get too big too fast little one! Let’s just take this next year a tad slower than the last 😉
I love you now and forever!